I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Randomize
