You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
