Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
