We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I party with great urgency now.
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