I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
