just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
