if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Randomize
