I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
