This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
