Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
