I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
