if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
