Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
