Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
