She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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