What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
