look no pants
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
