life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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