I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
