i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
