there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
