I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
