I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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