My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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