I am puke
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
