What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
