Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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