We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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