Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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