Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
