someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
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