A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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