o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
