all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
