I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
