I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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