Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
