i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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