That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
