if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
