To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
there is puke in my bra ... again
Randomize
