Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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