worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
