3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
