Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
