I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
