I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I didn't notice because vodka
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
