He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
