Will you blow on my dice?
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
