I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
