There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
