I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
