my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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