So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
